The Drama of the Suicide Woods
by BasementOfTheMansion
Summary: A formula twist in which the King and Queen of the Underworld are looking for something.


This may require some familiarity with Dante's brand of Hell, but not too much. Enjoy!

* * *

The Suicide Woods writhed and moaned as if bent by a strong and insistant breeze, though no wind graced their level of Hell.

They stood in groves like countless Daphnes, complaning to each other, or maybe just themselves. Either way, none of the suicides dared address Death and his Lady as they passed. They knew better than to beg for clemency from the cold duo.

"I have to say," Mandy sighed, "that this is the least scenic part of the trip."

"It's Hell, woman, what do you expect?" Grim countered absently, though he agreed with her... He hated suicides. Nobody thought it through, then they acted surprised when Death tapped them on the shoulder and ushered them off to damnation.

"Do we even have to check here?" she continued, annoyance in her voice.

"Think about it... We always figured he'd kill himself one way or another."

"True... But you really should have kept better track, bonehead. What if--" She paused and scowled, apparantly disgusted with her own train of thought. "What if he made it to _Heaven_?"

"Perish the thought," he replied dryly. "And don't blame me for not catching it. People die every second, and whoever isn't dead yet is dying, too. I can't keep close enough track for names."

"That's what you get for delegating. It's not like you don't have the time. _I_ run the whole damned Underworld, anyway," she pointed out.

"Like you have a problem with that."

Someone else might have grinned, but mandy only shrugged. "That's besides the point. We're wasting valuable time coming the Underworld for Billy."

"The torture pits can wait a little while," Grim dismissed. "You act like they're somewhere."

The pair fell into a silence that was somewhat companiable and somewhat apprihensive, and walked farther through the moaning woods.

"So what are we going to do with him when we find him?" Mandy asked at length.

Niether of them had given it much thought... They had fallen into patterns of work... Death was a full-time position and Grim had quite a backlog from the early days of their contract, while Mandy was busy reaquainting everyone Below with the meaning of "matriarchy." There was no time to slip off for adventures in the afternoons sometime between school and dinner.

"Make him a court jester?"

"I never smile, technically you're contantly grinning anyway, and Billy can juggle to save his life." She blinked. "Not that _that's _an issue any longer."

"We could give him some throw-away job and title, like one of the Dukes of Hell or something."

"Grim, please... I'm trying to run a _somewhat _respectable plane of endless torment and punishment here. You know what, never mind. We'll figure something out later."

Silence fell again. Damned souls murmured, but no gossip was carried among them. Even if it was, nothing observed was fresh news. It was well known that the King and Queen were not bonded by anything that could be considered "love"... It was a mutual alliance--a marriage of inconvenience if one will--from which both parties benifited, a clause tacked onto and older pact after Fate sent Mandy young and unfufilled to the shores of the Archeron.

They trudged on, and occasionally an errant brance would slap at Grim's scythe or snag at their clothing.

Something seemed different in the air as they walked, something evasive that seemed to be growing but slipping away just out of perception.

"Do you feel that?" Grim asked, looking around suspiciously.

"Feels like a headache coming on," Mandy agreed, absently rubbing the middle of her forehead like she used to when being annoyed by--

"Billy. He's around somewhere," Grim said as if they'd shared the thought.

"Huh. You were right after all," Mandy noted, not bitter over his small victory as it meant she could get back to torturing sooner.

The rest of the search seemed to take no time at all, and soon they reached a grove where several trees had contorted away from a single other one. The bark faces of the twisted trees showed accute annoyance and exasperation. An unusually clear whisper issued from one, complaining "_I wish I could kill myself again_!"

The central tree wiggled with hyperactive energy and sent forth streams of nonsensical and exuberant murmurs.

"So typical," Mandy sighed. "Fix it."

Grim aimed his scythe and fired a beam of energy. The tree-form glowed and shrank back into a familiar humanoid shape.

"Hi, Mandy! Hi, Grim! Where have you guys been? Mom said you went away for good but I knew you'd be back!" Billy chattered whilst tackling them into a bone-crunching group hug.

"Back off," Mandy growled dangerously, and he did.

The reunion would have been more heartfelt had the participants been... actually happy to see each other. It was like puzzle pieces clicking together... A vague sense of universal rightness was achived, but beyond that...

"How'd you end up here, anyway?" Mandy asked the newly-restored Billy, as Grim was loathe to admit he'd let his job get away from him.

"Ya know, I can't remember. Something about a drill."

Mandy and Grim shared an exasperated glance.

"So where have you guys been?" Billy reiterated.

"Oh, you know," Grim said, waving a hand vaguely as if to indicate the entire realm. "Around."

"Are we done here?" Mandy asked impatiently in a tone that was clearly not as inquisitive as the wording implied.

"Yeah... Let's go back to the castle," Grim agreed.

"Castle?" Billy asked excitedly, and the royal couple suddenly had visions of trails of expensive wreckage.

"Uh... We'll show you the dungeon first," Mandy amended. "Fire up the scythe, bonehead."

A verdant rift split the dreary woods and the reunited best friends were soon gone.

After all, "forever" was hardly over...

* * *

In a sense, this is an anti-fic. Most Grim/Mandy romances take great pains to get rid of Billy. This is a non-romance with the trappings of one that goes through the trouble of hunting him down. I amuse me.

Ciao!

-SN


End file.
